Making the Decision to become a Primary Caregiver

Deciding to have a parent move in with you is a very difficult decision. There are many things to consider. The thought of becoming someone’s primary caregiver is very scary. It’s a great honor and also a hard thing to do.

Making the decision

Here are some things to consider before making your decision:

• Do you have the time required to care for another person?
• Do you have the extra space available in your home?
• Are there any stairs in your home?
• Is there room for a walker or wheelchair?
• Do you have a walk-in shower?
• Can you raise the toilet seat to meet their needs?
• Will you be able to find help when you need a break?
• Do you have a support system for them and yourself?
• Is your spouse/partner on board with this decision?
• Which family member is best equipped to be a caregiver?

I did have the time since I have “retired” from the insurance industry and now work from home. We have an extra bedroom and bathroom, no stairs, a walk-in shower, and my husband was more on board than I was. My siblings felt like I was the right one for the job.

Terry and I have been visiting Senior Centers and Nursing Homes for several years now through his ministry, Christian Adventurers. We have seen some places that are very nice and some that are not so nice. I don’t think that many people prepare for the day that they may need assisted living. We all want to stay in our own homes as long as possible. To be frank, these places are expensive! If you don’t have the money, you may end up in a “not so nice” place sharing a room, TV, and bathroom with someone you don’t know. No one lives their life saying, “I hope I end up in a nursing home one day”.

Trying to care for Mom while 1200 miles away

My Mom is 88 years old and uses a walker. Five of her seven children are still alive but scattered. She was living in a “low rent”, “Presbyterian” run, apartment complex in Eau Claire, Wisconsin It’s a nice place, she had a full apartment for herself. There were also several “community” areas, a lobby with tables and chairs, and a lower level which had a TV set and a small kitchen area. She had some friends there, they would get together at night to play cards or board games, but, most of her friends had left or were now in assisted living. The winters in Wisconsin can be brutal! Last winter, she decided she could no longer drive. I live in North Carolina, about 1200 miles away. There were several essential things that my Mom needed help if she was going to remain in her apartment.

• getting to and from doctor’s appointments
• getting her prescriptions filled and picked-up
• having enough food/getting groceries
• getting toiletries and other personal items
• having her apartment cleaned/vacuumed
• banking/having cash on hand

I found a good source of information at her local Aging and disability resource center. Through this department, I found the “Abby Van” which would pick Mom up and take her to doctor appointments or anywhere else she needed to go. They charged a small fee of $3 each way. She only needed to call them 24 hours before she needed the ride. The drivers were nice and helpful, and she could get into the vans without much trouble. Next, I found someone who would shop and deliver groceries. I found her through the local Senior Center. She was happy to do the entire shopping but I ended up ordering the groceries myself online at Walmart.com and she would pick them up and deliver to Mom(she charged $10 for this service). I needed to make sure my Mom could get her prescriptions. Walgreens would mail them to her, so that worked! I ordered her “personal” items on Walgreens.com and had them delivered to her. Mom found someone living in the apartment complex to vacuum and help her with cleaning. One day, someone mentioned “meals on wheels” to me, this is a great service that will deliver lunch every day of the week except weekends. My Mom decided that 3 days a week would work for her. I felt good about someone checking on her 3 days a week and also that she would not be cooking as much, her using the stove scared me. The “meals on wheels” organization will send a “suggested” amount invoice each month. You can pay as much or as little as you are able. It’s a great service! I am very grateful to the volunteers at “meals on wheels”, their service gave me peace of mind.

Even though I managed to meet most of my Mom’s needs long distance, there were issues that would arise from time to time. Sometimes, she would forget to tell me she needed something. She would run out of toilet paper, or she would be out of one of her prescriptions. My brother, who lived in her town, could help in a pinch, but he was pretty busy with a full-time job and his own family. He did pick her up on Sundays to visit with his family.

I haven’t mentioned her emotional needs. I know she was lonely and probably depressed as well, but she never mentioned that when we talked on the phone. Sometimes, you have to “read between the lines”, our parents don’t want to be a burden on us so they are probably not going to ask for help. I also told myself that she was doing “OK” but in my heart, I knew she wasn’t.

Is Mom better where she is or with us?

My Mother liked being self-sufficient, as most people do, her greatest fear was becoming a “burden” on her children. She always painted a “rosy” picture when talking to each of us on the phone. I started to hear small lapses in memory and she would become anxious about minor problems. I couldn’t be sure she was properly taking care of herself. My husband and I had several discussions about my Mom moving in. We knew she could take care of herself but how well? Was she showering? Was she eating right? Was she taking the right medications? Was she lonely? The biggest question we focused on was, “could we improve her quality of life”? We thought about what she had there in her apartment complex;

• Does she have friends?
• Do they offer fun activities; game night, movie night, bingo?
• How easy was it for her to get around? did she call the “Abby van” just to go to Walmart or to go out to eat?
• Were the people there friendly?
• Was she safe?

To be perfectly honest, we wondered; how our lives would change? How would this affect our marriage? Would we be able to find time for each other? and what about the cost? How would we make ends meet? The biggest question was, did she want to move in with us? It wouldn’t be easy for her either. She had lived in Wisconsin for most of her life. I don’t think she ever expected to leave Wisconsin. My brother and her grandchildren lived close by, when, and how, would she see them again?

The final decision

We had to come back to the “quality of life” question. We all knew that her life would not get easier. She would need more and more help as she got older. We finally decided, with much prayer, that it was the right time to move her. My siblings all agreed this was the right decision and Mom also agreed.

The Lord commands us, “Honor your father and mother” , which means to us, take care of your parents in their old age.

Let me know if you have had to make this decision. Please leave comments and suggestions. I would love to hear from you!

---