Primary Caregiver for my Mom

It’s a challenge caring for the elderly, and when it’s your parent, it’s even harder. Everyone gets older(God willing) and many of us are faced with elderly parents who are no longer self-sufficient. We moved my Mom into our home about 9 months ago. I became her primary caregiver. My husband also helps when he can. The decision to move her into our home was not an easy one. We had to weigh the pros and cons for everyone involved.

Options to remain independent

• Finding a Caregiver to visit Mom several times a week or daily
• Finding a Caregiver to live with Mom in her apartment
• Providing for her needs so she can stay in her apartment
• Meals on Wheels, Visiting nurses, Medical Alert button
• Senior Living Facility(independent living/no assistance)
• Assisted Living(some living assistance)
• Nursing Home(full living assistance)

We did try a few of these options before moving Mom out of her home. I found someone to grocery shop for her, I had Meals on Wheels deliver her lunches, and we found transportation for her to doctor appointments. I provide more specific information in my post on Making the Decision to become a Primary Caregiver

*This post may contain affiliate links to products/services that I use or trust, if you click a link and purchase a product/service, we may earn a commission at no additional cost to you, the opinions in this post are my own*

Another great option is purchasing a Medical Alert Button, this is great for your peace of mind. The monthly cost is low and the service they provide is priceless! Your loved one can wear the button on a necklace or wristband. Not only can it be pushed for an emergency, but they are also available if your parent gets confused or needs some help. Whether you are a caregiver or just concerned about your elderly parent living alone, you really need this service!

LifeFone Medical Alert – Only $24.95 per month, no long term contract.

When checking on assisted living facilities, we found them all to be very expensive! The costs were about 3 times more than my Mom’s income(Social Security). I’m sure it’s possible to find good assisted living within your parent’s budget, I know people who have. What I have discovered, is that if my Mom filed for Medicaid, she would qualify for assisted living or a nursing home. The problem is that she was not ready for that and neither were we. No one says, “I hope I can live in a nursing home one day”, I consider that to be the last resort. I am not saying anything against anyone who makes this decision. I realize not everyone can be a caregiver for a parent. In fact, I never thought I would become one!

Watch and Listen

When we made the decision to move Mom into our home, she was in pretty good health. She had been living alone in an apartment and taking care of herself. If you live close by, it’s important to check on your elderly parent in person. Unfortunately, I lived about 1200 miles away in another state, but I was able to talk with my Mom on the phone almost daily. I would ask her questions like:

• How are you feeling today?
• What have you had to eat?
• Did you take your medications?
• When is the last time you took a shower?

I started to notice, through these conversations, that her mind was slipping a bit, and I was worried that she wasn’t taking good care of herself. My brother lived in the same city but he was only able to see her once a week and was not sure if she was eating well or taking her medications. After a lot of discussions, we(Mom and my 4 siblings) all decided that maybe we should move her to North Carolina while she was still able to make the trip. The trip was long, but my Mom managed well!

Her New Home In North Carolina

The first several months were good, she was settling into her new room and getting around the house well with her walker. She was even able to get her own breakfast and lunch on most days. We were all adjusting fairly well! It is never easy to bring another person into your household, but, if you give each other a little time to adjust and some private space, it can work. It’s really an ongoing process.

**Just a little side note: Keep in mind that this kind of major life change can also be hard on your pets. Our dog, Poppie, is still trying to keep out of the way of my Mom’s walker! Of course, there are also positive benefits for both of them! Mom has a new companion and Poppie gets a lot more attention!**

My Mom’s changing health

My Mom’s health changed with the New Year. What is it with 2020? In February, she developed double pneumonia and was hospitalized. The IV antibiotics that she was given in the hospital helped her get better along with breathing treatments. After being back home for ten days, she once again had pneumonia along with a UTI. The Doctor tried prescription antibiotics but within 4 days, she was back in the ER. In March she developed cellulitis in her legs, we tried to treat it at home but soon she was back in the hospital. The only treatment that seems to work is IV antibiotics administered in the hospital. That makes 4 hospital visits! I wanted to let you know how quickly things can change! At this time, my mom is home and is doing better.

A Global Pandemic

The last 3 months have been more challenging during this Global Pandemic. My Mom is 89 years old and has COPD and Chronic Bronchitis. It makes it hard for her to breathe sometimes. We have to make sure that she does not catch COVID19, it would NOT be good! My husband and I have tried to stay at home for the most part. It has been a blessing to me to have my husband home full-time. It allows me to walk away for a while when I get overwhelmed as a caregiver. We have gone out a few times to get take-out food from our favorite restaurants, go for a drive, go to the bank(drive-thru), get groceries, or get gas. Our state, North Carolina is now in Phase II of the “reopening process”. For us, that means that my husband is going back into the office, we can get hair cuts, and some restaurants are now open for inside seating. We still choose to stay at home as much as possible.

Being stuck at home is actually easier for my Mom. She doesn’t want to leave the house much anymore. Her day consists mainly of, eating, napping, watching game shows, coloring, or doing a puzzle. I can sometimes get her to sit outside for a while, the sunshine is good for her!

10 Challenges

We entered into this challenge of caring for my Mom with the thought that she would be mostly self-sufficient. That thought quickly changed! Here are the challenges we had to face and are still facing today:

1. After being in the hospital several times, was I able to take care of her medical needs(I’m not a nurse)?
2. How do we keep her out of the hospital?
3. How do we find out more about assisted living and nursing homes?
4. Can my Mom afford to go to a facility? Does Medicare pay for any of this?
5. Are we able to leave her alone at home for short periods of time, or do we need help?
6. Will my husband and I be able to get some time away, who can stay with her?
7. What kind of home health care is available to her, and what are the costs?
8. Do I need to have Medical Power of Attorney to help her make medical decisions?
9. Do I need to have Power of Attorney over her finances?
10. What if we need more help during this Pandemic, are services open?

Finding answers to these questions/challenges

After the first hospital stay, I realized that I needed some help and support. I began to feel that I was all alone and being a primary caregiver become very overwhelming. That is not a good state of mind when there is another person relying on you to care for them! I knew that I had to find answers to my questions!

1. Was I able to take care of her medical needs?

The answer for me was, “No”, I am not comfortable or able to put the dressing on the open sores on her legs or the other medical needs. Luckily, after each hospital stay, her Medicare would pay for a home health nurse for a short period of time. As for the future, we have been contacted by Palliative care in our area and they will start sending a nurse(once the Pandemic has ended). Palliative care is one step you can take when your loved one has a chronic condition or serious illness. It is the step before Hospice and has to be approved by her doctor.

2. How do we keep her out of the hospital?

The best way for us to do this is to be in contact with the nurses of Palliative care. Part of their mission is to keep her comfortable at home and out of the hospital.

3. How do we find out more about Longterm Care Facilities?

When you are entered in Palliative care, your team consists of a nurse and social worker. The Social Worker is a wealth of information, she has contact information for all the local long-term care facilities and when a bed is available. She can also help with filling out applications and applying for Medicaid. If you are considering long-term care for your loved one, you can also make an appointment to visit available facilities in your area.

4. Can my Mom afford to go to a facility? Does Medicare pay for any of this?

I think this has been answered before. My Mom does not have enough income to afford this service but she would qualify for Medicaid.

5 & 6. Are we able to leave Mom alone, can we get some time away?

If my husband and I wanted some time away, we would have to plan for this. My Mom is Ok alone for 2-3 hours a day, beyond that, we needed some help. There are no local family members that could help or be willing to help. We turned to a college-age girl that my husband has known for years. She was more than happy to help us out, but we do have to pay her. She will check on Mom during the day, and spend the night with her. There is no way to know what the future holds, my Mom might need a visiting nurse in the future. I find this to be a very hard part of caregiving, it is important for the caregiver to be able to get away for a few hours and even a few days. You will find many in-home caregiving services available for a price.

7. What kind of home health care is available to her, and what are the costs?

This one just takes some research. You can find people in a local church that will be willing to sit with your parent for free. There are also many paid services; Care.com, Home Instead, Comfort Keepers, just to name a few. It’s best to search for the ones in your area.

8 & 9. Do I need to have a Medical Power of Attorney to help her make medical decisions?
Do I need to have Power of Attorney over her finances?

These legal questions can be answered by your attorney or someone that specializes in Elder Law. For me, I was emailed the paperwork for the Medical Power of Attorney by the social worker at Palliative care. I have not looked into the other yet. If your parent agrees, you could open a checking account with both your names on it. My Mom has asked me to help her with paying bills and writing checks. We usually go through it together.

10. What if we need more help during this Pandemic, are services open?

The answer to this is that we are out of luck until our state opens up more services or the Pandemic ends. We are left with the only choice to care for my Mom as best we can at home. Going to the doctor’s office and the ER are risky! Sometimes it is necessary. Putting her in a nursing home is not a good choice at this time. Nursing homes seem to be a “hotbed” for this virus. We are able to do online doctor visits and also online meetings with the nurse at Palliative care.

In conclusion, many of us are faced with aging parents. We have options available to us, and some of us will choose to become the primary caregivers for a parent. Whether you keep them in their own home or move them into yours, you will face many challenges. There will be many choices to make. Remember that one easy choice, is LifeFone, it truly is a Lifeline for your parent. and peace of mind for you!

LifeFone Medical Alert – Only $24.95 per month, no long term contract.

I would love to hear from you! Please comment below or email me. I am happy to answer any questions you have.

Resources:

NCOA(National Council on Aging)

AARP

The Division of Aging and Adult Services(in your state)

Aging and Disability Resource Center

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You may also enjoy: What I’ve learned as a new Caregiver and We’re Back Home

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